A Sudden Downpour

It started to rain very heavily all of a sudden 10 minutes ago. It made me put down my revision notes and stare out of the window. The way the raindrops broke the silence of the cool night somehow tuned my mind in reverse and got me walking down memory lane.

I realised it's been a while since I delve into the past. The time when life was much simplier, the time when simple pleasures made you happy and the time when everyone was happy. It's different now naturally. For better or worse, surroundings change. Places I like to hang out are no longer there. People whom I shared joyful moments with are no longer here.

And then, I changed. It's a growing process stipulated by the society. It tells you that you need to make more money to live comfortably, you need to wear brands to look good, you need to own an iPod to enjoy music. I fell prey and my life got more complicated, simple pleasures no longer made me happy and everyone I see seems to be bound with a trail of never-ending problems.

Getting into my first relationship made me uncover a part of me that lay dormant all this while. It's like opening a Pandora's Box, everything is now in complete disarray. My blog so far has been very much about the relationship now and till this moment, I am still unable to practice what I preach, I am still rooted at the crossroad.

My vacation begins in about 16 hours' time. I think that will be the time I start doing something that is 5 months overdue - to piece myself together. I can forsee a misfit piece (either ways) at this stage though. I suppose if this piece doesn't fit in place by the time I'm done with the rest, I will have to relinquish it from my hold. At least, by then I know I will have no regrets.

The rain seemed to got lighter somewhat. Back to my revision.

Hate This Feeling

I got through the week just fine without thinking of him much. I thought I could get myself used to it. I don't even wanna blog about it. But he just had to call and ask questions ("When were you the last to know?!") and make things worse. It really doesn't matter anymore... I hate this feeling inside me right now. How do I make it easier?

And how the hell do I get back to my revisions right now... I need a stick... FUCK!

New Insights

Here's an interesting website that provides an insight into your mind right now: http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/. Better understanding its current state, you take the appropriate course to arrive at a sound decision.

What the result says:

Overwork - be it mental stress or physical strain, you are completely worn out and this depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel disappointed with your obvious lack of energy and powerless to do anything about it. You are angry with yourself and this frustration shows. You are contradictory and argumentative and feel helpless to change the situation at this time. Take a break - even if it is only for a few days - allow yourself to breath, to unwind - you'll feel much better for it. Then trust and let go.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

What I got out it it:
Before I drive myself to the wall, I've decided to put all personal matters at hand on hold until I finish my exams. This way I can become "lighter" too (in the words of JD).

Towards Singlehood

Just past midnight this morning, I had a long chat with JD. It's one of those rare occasions where we really talked at length face to face. And it's also one of those rare occasions he talked about his directions and his plans in life and in the relationship which to date I have no inkling of.

Then I realised how selfish and stereotyping JD is towards me. To him all AJs have split personas. In the day, they are humans living normal lives; In the night, they are rats on the prowl looking for alikes to satisfy their insatiable appetite. Isn't there not one single homosexual in this world that lives life with his mate in monogamy?

Each day I spent with JD, each bit I feel more miserable. I can feel his love towards me on weekends. He can be sweet and caring when he's free but to me it's like he's following a formula. One that he has formulated for a successful relationship. One that is for the benefit of both of us perhaps. To me, it doesn't seem to be working out.

I can't go on like this forever. I want to salvage but I don't know how. I think I have to end it soon... even though I know I'll come to regret this for the rest of my life.

Why Torture Yourself?

Yesterday night I had a long talk over the phone with a confidante. Mostly it was me doing the talking and the major part of the conversation was me lamenting about my relationship. I really needed a listening ear and was deeply grateful that he's willing to listen even though he has problems of his own... Thank you.

In retrospect, for 2 weeks, JD hardly wants to converse nor does he bothers to reply my sms-es. Phone conversations rarely lasted more than a minue. Most of the time Monster Hunter on PSP or Pokemon on PC took away the only chance that I could talk to him. Sometimes I chose to wait till 2am when JD's phone is off so as to leave voice messages. This way, it felt less agonising for me because I could listen to his voice and then I could talk for 2 minutes.

Then awhile ago I stumbled upon a forum. There was a particular thread on this guy who's in a similar plight and was trying to seek advice. One of the replies said that he should blame himself. He chose to enter a relationship with someone who work long hours and who decides that work is more important then spending quality time with him. Hence, he asked for it and should take responsibility for his own actions.

I stared at the reply for a length of time, then I thought to myself:

"He's right. Why am I torturing myself?"

The Keys to Your Heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Virgin Post

And so I've decided to announce my thoughts and feelings on the www for all that bothers to know. Never been a blogger all this while but all of a sudden, there's this desire to pen them down, or dysphemistically, to lament.

It's reading week now and stress is clearly mounted on everyone's face in the library this morning. Mine's no exception, not just for the exams though, but also for the quarrels that's becoming more and more frequent of late. Differences between us become more pronounced and are less openly discussed - one of the banes of any relationship.

Things hasn't been going my way since the start of the year. I tried everything in almost every aspect of my life but only to end up in an even more sorry state, to the point of self-contempt, to the point that I disgust myself. 4 months into 2007 and I'm ever closer to the crossroads. Never in my life have I felt so lost, so void of even the least sense of direction.

Everyone meets crossroads in various stages of life and most people rather not talk about it in present day culture. But imagine how fortunate it would be to have a map of sorts, to make it easier. Perhaps I shall use this blog to keep a chronicle of my entire walk though the crossroad. Afterwards it can serve as a guide no matter for myself or others... provided I made it through.