Fight For Love

Over the past few days, I saw a series of relationship disputes, quarrels and then breakup. It further shows that relationships are so fragile. Differences can become so amplified when two people come close to each other. Close enough that disparities become distinct and pronounced.

I think love is something that requires affection and commitment from both sides. Most importantly it must come from the heart. Absence of either and a relationship begins to break down.

While waiting for a meeting to commence this morning, I took the short spare time to do up a wallpaper called Fight For Love (which was the theme for Valentine's 2007 @ Perlini's Silver). Don't suppress love, don't lose it, fight for it.

Questions Unanswered

These 10 questions kept running through my mind while watching TV:

1) Why doesn't he show the least concern when I told him I'm having food poisoning?

2) Why is his sms reply just like any other friend I have when I told him I'm down with a fever?

3) Why does he gets tired while going out with me for lunch and so full of energy when going mahjong with his friends at night?

4) Why does he tell me he's free for the day then tell me he's having a seminar only 5 mins before it?

5) Why does he asks me to go sing karaoke the night before then tell me the next day he's going for lunch with his mum and then going out for shopping with his friend?

6) Why doesn't he message me when he goes to sleep so that I know not to wait for his call or not to wait for him to pick up my call?

7) Why doesn't he message me when he wakes up so that I know when to sms him or call him so as not to wake him?

8) Why doesn't he reply my sms or reply with a simple "busy" or "ttyl" when he's not free?

9) Why does he always like to give "dunno", "not sure", "see how" or "maybe" as an answer?

10) Why does he say I'm evil?

Last Few Happy Tots

6 hours ago, JR, JD and I attended a concert at the Singapore Repertory Theatre. A huge traffic jam along CTE which should have been anticipated landed us half an hour late for the 7pm show. Even though JD was sick, he made an effort to join me for the evening. The least I did was bring an extra pack of tissue just in case. Overall, the performance was entertaining for it's music value, but presentation and creativity needed large improvements.

Then we headed off to the field beside Riverside Point where people were flying stringless kites controlled by remote. These kites were fitted with a propellor in front and had LEDS all around. Have a bunch of them flying above the field, you get a spectacular night view that's photo worthy (I really need to remind myself to bring a camera next time but luckily JD brought one). I made a quick enquire with one of the owners and found that such kites cost S$650 each. What an expensive hobby.

We left the pit-off and continued to Maxell for dinner. JD ordered (the expected food flare):
1) Pickled Vegetable Soup
2) Pork Congee
3) Egg Toufu
4) Xiao Long Bao
5) Pork-filled Chee Chong Fan
6) Fried Dumplings
7) Pork Ribs

plus JR and my order:
8) Minced Pork Noodle
9) Fried Oysters
10)Sugar Cane Juice

There was almost no more space left on the table (once again a reminder that I forgot my camera). Though my friend was there, JD still very casually took food for me. It was awkward for me but sweet. I knew he was very thirsty and so offered him half of my drink too. I wonder if my friend suspects anything haha... All three of us then had our fills and headed home shortly.

Just Happy Tots

JD and I had lunch this afternoon at Vila'ge at the Heeren. I realised it's no longer Mache. Seems like I haven't been there for a very very long time.

We ordered:
1) Fondue Au Chocolat
2) Sashimi
3) Chicken Sausage
4) Waffle with 1 scoop Swiss Choc ice cream and mango slices
5) Cranberry Juice
6) Sparkling Apple Juice

By the time we were done, I wished I had enough stomach space for that one last brownie though, it was simply too sinfully delicious! But we were just too full and so decided to give it a miss.

Then it was neo prints. The last time I patronised one such machine was back in JC. Now these machines are so huge and so advance, and worse - they're all in Japanese! Luckily JD seems quite pro with it, so he did most of the clicking and selections. The printout is now with him, wonder if it turned out nice.

While heading towards Orchard MRT, we shopped a little inside Wisma. After much deliberation, I finally let JD buy me a pair of jeans. I managed to find one that fits and headed shortly for the cashier. However a failed attempt to snatch his credit card landed the card right in front of the cashier (*slap myself*). We left the shop and I headed to work while he went around to shop somemore.

Where's the Bday Boy?

Yesterday night at his invitation I attended his friend's bday dinner at Mt Emily's. The place is rather remote, but the ambience is very nice and cosy (apart from the flickering light behind the sofa). His friends are also a fun-loving bunch who are not at all like how he describes them to be. I had a great time and I'm glad I went.

Afterwards they decided to head for a drink at a pub and I tagged along to check the place out. I felt very uneasy and unhappy the whole time while he's there, I don't know why. But nevertheless I can see he has some very good friends there and it's been a while since he drank. The last time we walked past I could tell he missed the place a lot. So that night I let him enjoy himself while I headed off for work at the Technopreneur Park.

I too made a demand though at that time. I conclude: demand = caring.

May Day

Yesterday marked my last day in school inofficially. The last paper was manageable. Fortunately I paced myself to half an hour for each question so as to finish the paper in time. Since my CA for this module isn't very good, I can only hope that this final paper can pull me up to the passing grade.

After the paper, my chem mates and I met for dinner. We chatted at length about the paper, about the lecturers, about holiday destinations, etc. It was to be our last meal at the science canteen. I know I'm gonna miss them all.

This morning an sms from him saying that he's heading to Changi General Hospital literally made me jumped outta the bed. At the moment I reproached myself for not stopping him from heading to work while he's still recovering from a fever. It turned out however he was just accompanying a trainee, but not after flaring big time at me. What a painful way to start the holiday.

A Sudden Downpour

It started to rain very heavily all of a sudden 10 minutes ago. It made me put down my revision notes and stare out of the window. The way the raindrops broke the silence of the cool night somehow tuned my mind in reverse and got me walking down memory lane.

I realised it's been a while since I delve into the past. The time when life was much simplier, the time when simple pleasures made you happy and the time when everyone was happy. It's different now naturally. For better or worse, surroundings change. Places I like to hang out are no longer there. People whom I shared joyful moments with are no longer here.

And then, I changed. It's a growing process stipulated by the society. It tells you that you need to make more money to live comfortably, you need to wear brands to look good, you need to own an iPod to enjoy music. I fell prey and my life got more complicated, simple pleasures no longer made me happy and everyone I see seems to be bound with a trail of never-ending problems.

Getting into my first relationship made me uncover a part of me that lay dormant all this while. It's like opening a Pandora's Box, everything is now in complete disarray. My blog so far has been very much about the relationship now and till this moment, I am still unable to practice what I preach, I am still rooted at the crossroad.

My vacation begins in about 16 hours' time. I think that will be the time I start doing something that is 5 months overdue - to piece myself together. I can forsee a misfit piece (either ways) at this stage though. I suppose if this piece doesn't fit in place by the time I'm done with the rest, I will have to relinquish it from my hold. At least, by then I know I will have no regrets.

The rain seemed to got lighter somewhat. Back to my revision.

Hate This Feeling

I got through the week just fine without thinking of him much. I thought I could get myself used to it. I don't even wanna blog about it. But he just had to call and ask questions ("When were you the last to know?!") and make things worse. It really doesn't matter anymore... I hate this feeling inside me right now. How do I make it easier?

And how the hell do I get back to my revisions right now... I need a stick... FUCK!

New Insights

Here's an interesting website that provides an insight into your mind right now: http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/. Better understanding its current state, you take the appropriate course to arrive at a sound decision.

What the result says:

Overwork - be it mental stress or physical strain, you are completely worn out and this depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel disappointed with your obvious lack of energy and powerless to do anything about it. You are angry with yourself and this frustration shows. You are contradictory and argumentative and feel helpless to change the situation at this time. Take a break - even if it is only for a few days - allow yourself to breath, to unwind - you'll feel much better for it. Then trust and let go.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

What I got out it it:
Before I drive myself to the wall, I've decided to put all personal matters at hand on hold until I finish my exams. This way I can become "lighter" too (in the words of JD).

Towards Singlehood

Just past midnight this morning, I had a long chat with JD. It's one of those rare occasions where we really talked at length face to face. And it's also one of those rare occasions he talked about his directions and his plans in life and in the relationship which to date I have no inkling of.

Then I realised how selfish and stereotyping JD is towards me. To him all AJs have split personas. In the day, they are humans living normal lives; In the night, they are rats on the prowl looking for alikes to satisfy their insatiable appetite. Isn't there not one single homosexual in this world that lives life with his mate in monogamy?

Each day I spent with JD, each bit I feel more miserable. I can feel his love towards me on weekends. He can be sweet and caring when he's free but to me it's like he's following a formula. One that he has formulated for a successful relationship. One that is for the benefit of both of us perhaps. To me, it doesn't seem to be working out.

I can't go on like this forever. I want to salvage but I don't know how. I think I have to end it soon... even though I know I'll come to regret this for the rest of my life.